I was awake and bearing witness to conversations on dismantling racism. I yell online. I go to sleep. I was tired. I was scared. I woke up to pleasure as politic. I was excited. I was joyous in experiencing a queer liberation of sorts. Wallet, still mad empty, but that belly was full and those parts were mostly, always wet. I stayed wide awake. I ate a lot. I laughed and cried during all seasons. I sought out the sex I wanted. The sex sought me out. I did not talk. Just laughed, and fucked, and ate. <3
But then, sleep returned. I was even more exhausted than before. Conditioning appearing in sentences. Contracts I do not want in my body leeched relentlessly. I slept but panic attacks haunted rest. I headed toward rest, but I did not eat. I forgot to. I headed toward rest, and the literature found me. Peace sometimes found me, but the desire to rest found me more. I rest so much, new lives find this body when it wakes. I rest so much that all the hard love work I have waiting for me sits at the top of my belly with ease.
This next time, when I wake up again, I hear my peers acknowledge their disabilities, chronic illness and pain, and access needs. I freeze. I wonder about my body’s information. Where is it? I am present. I am overwhelmed. I tell my therapist I need a psychiatric referral. My therapist recommends acupuncture. I see my therapist playing with uncertainty as the tears to water wounds coil around my face. Finally, I am flirting with the privilege to know my body, mania, and incapacities. A flirtation that changes everything I think about aliveness. I write. Disabled and sick QTBIPOC save lives writing. Vision becomes clearer. I almost do not need spectacles. But I do need spectacles. This plane is dusty from all the marijuana consumption as survival.
This time, when I wake up, paying my partner’s rent gets me off. I finally feel rested. Rest inspires safety. Safety illuminating change and change thrusts pelvises with liberation. The work is love. If we kiss, we are present. If we feed and clothe each other, share meds, and walk each other toward survivable conditions, we are in love. I am on my way to being in love with you.