everything everywhere, but sometimes not
courageous enough to let the love in // honest enough to be let down
I am very much in the magic right now. There is a dimensional thing happening where, the more I am in the love, the more everything flows — but I’d be lying if I said this flow was not often disrupted — strangulated by my own sadness, ache, and desire to belong. Today, I am moved by the slowness of the ache, and the fiery of the anger.
I have been cut off from access to nature/land, which means I have been cut off from accessing myself. The N/E farming community does not consider you a “real” farmer unless you have on-ground experience which is meaningful in one way, and gatekeeping in another way. The community garden in my neighborhood has a full roster and not accepting new members. As many of you know, I have been looking to steward land of my own since the fall of 2020 — tears guzzle at the base of my eyeballs as I type this nearly two years later, with lots of wisdom on how to access land, so much more heartbreak at the space in between myself and access, and no deal closed.
While I am so grateful for the help and support I have received, it has not been enough to get me across the bridge. I have been very careful about how I put in offers and where. Is my diligence drowning me? I am unsure, but what I do know is the longer I am separated from my true love, nature, the harder it is to be alive.
An achey heart has not much more to say, so I will leave you with this personal “AFFIRMATION AS CELLULAR SHIFTS” audio file — I can be there, but I can also be other places, and this is a gentle reminder of the vastness of what it can be to be alive.
Xoxo, care ecologist