The way social media bastardizes intimacy — I deactivated my Instagram last week. Then, reactivated it because I made so many friends in New Orleans.
I described Instagram as a place where people trade celebrity. I cannot un-think that thought and feel slightly disgusted by the truth of it all. The people who are the first to watch my stories are not the sample people giving me a call when I share a hard thing, and that dissonance makes me feel unsafe — a conversation had with and held by Beloved.
While I am back on the app, the reorientation around the app as well as a significant relationship I behold, teach me so much about myself. There is information in the information. I have learned I am someone who tends to respond with punishment when harm is inflicted onto me, experiences people at the speed of conflict, and many other lurking aspects of me yet to be unveiled. I am neurodivergent and understand its manifestations in my behavior, moods, dysphoria, overwhelm/panic, neurospirals, disassociation, neuroplasticity, sociality, sexuality, and communicative relationality.
Behaviorally, I am just now figuring myself out. I stroke through moods like a paint brush. I am learning how to be with people for longer periods of time. I must work hard to speak what I feel because I experience feeling in layers of meaning. Intentionality is my guiding light toward accountability. Honesty makes my life easier, and the ways it makes it harder are caged by the thresholds of white supremacy.
My moods shift often, and with a lot of steer — responding to the energetics of it all — a shadowy reminder to practice energetic boundaries irreverently. My body experiences the undertones of expression. I hardly have language for naming this.
Dysphoria happens when my body feels sensorially unprotected. Overwhelm/panic appear in my body as repercussions of neurospirals. Neurospirals are me thinking of everything all at once. Disassociation is my concoction of dysphoria, overwhelm/panic, and neurospirals. I experience this newsletter as neuroplasticity.
Socially, I am unable to talk to people in a loud room. I prefer people come to me for a check-in or chat. I do not feel comfortable going up to people. I like to sit and wait for engagement. I do not like being pressured or forced into conversation. I am learning how to end a conversation when I feel ready. Most things make me laugh.
Sexually, I pretend to want it all but really only desire sharing my loins with people who care for me. I do not enjoy sex for sex’s sake but rather, a portal to deep and loving connection. I need to know how you think about the world in order to enjoy sex with you. I need to know your communicative relationality flow to feel you. Communicative relationally is how I am understanding my communication patterns as it relates to my trauma.
I define neurodivergent as a cognitive portal through self actualization.
I define behavior as habitual existences, tendencies, and movements that happen as a result of being alive.
I define digital behavior (learned this word from Naj Austin, April 2022) as online habitual existences, tendencies, and movements that happen as a result of being online and in engagement with scrolling, consuming, and other online behavioral phenomenons.
I define moods as feeling transitions embodied.
I define dysphoria as the existential discomfort in gender security.
I define overwhelm/panic as everything happening through a now at once.
I define neurospirals as cognitive pathways towards pathways towards pathways.
I define disassociation as the physical unknowing of how to soothe.
I define neuroplasticity as what the brain does beyond white supremacy.
I define sociality as the way socializing happens as it relates to how we are taught how to be.
I define sexuality as languages bodymind’s mine to connect — “colors of Source energy plus bodymind creativity” - from Care Manual glossary
I define communicative relationality as patterns of communication as related to trauma in the body.
I THINK THE THING THAT IS MOST BEAUTIFUL IS THAT YOU BELIEVE IN MY ABILITY TO BE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO LOVE. Lastly, my ancestors do not need me to save them. — whatever you need within capacity,
kamra