now that it is true vacation hours, rumbling waters of cancer season have fallen back and there is nothing left to do but sit with hurt, grief over emotional and verbal abuse i experienced back in june plummets out of me, what is most striking about this experience is that, folks knew it happened and no one did anything to help me, i am mad at myself for not standing up for myself, i am angry it happened at all, and devastated that i do not have the tools to transmute the harm, it is leaking from my eyes and that is a mode of transmutation, but it is not enough
this newsletter is about me getting the help i need, i am looking for resources on how to process harm without accountability, grief counsel, exercises, and meditative support, please comment below
<3
hey dear one,
coming back late but had to sit and listen for a while.
i'm going through a lot of grief rn and realised how joy was feeling so unsafe for me for a while. when i tapped into it, i realised joy, pleasure, divine connection, often allows us to soften, somatically. you know this sigh after eating well, the one after you've laughed so hard with a loved one, and you felt like if you've lingered there long enough, maybe tears would have showed up too?
When we allow joy, we soften in the body, and re-member, and thats when the waters of grief can take over. it's scary to feel joy. better be tense until we're out of this bad phase...
but what if it never goes truly away?
grieving implies loss. it implies confronting and contending with impermanence.
what have you lost? what are you losing?
who have you lost? who are you losing?
what is it that we're losing? what have we lost? (since personal harm affect communities, the world...)
one last thing that i keep coming back to in my practice is: not getting stuck in the idea of fixing anything but making more space to be able to reconcile with the pain that is there through ceremony and rituals. forgiving not as forgiving the harm doers only but for-giving, making more room to hold the complexity of your being.
hope this allows air to flow within and that your fire feels tended to, while still free <3
moved by Lama Rod Owens' invitation to skillful mourning - guided meditative support by him: https://soundcloud.com/lama-rod-owens/introduction-to-tonglen-taking-and-sending-for-self?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
possible poetic support: https://www.poetryinvoice.com/poems/thirsty
you are always being held