Sandwiched spoon-to-spoon between my partner and my dog trails of shine shimmer across my buoyant humble tired smile. Our warm bodies oxygenate and murmur syncopation. It was the first night I had slept on the floor and felt healthier for having done so. There was the exhaustion of not knowing I could sleep that soundly a snore-free lung capacity and a weightlessness from being held by the hardwood floor that had me thinking this is what people mean when they talk about being grounded.
My brain in love oscillates between sheer fulfillment and sharp threat both in awe of a co-created loving reality and the background noise screeching fear of the cracking open intimacy carries. I spend a good chunk of time holding and releasing thoughts of inadequacy, failure, fear, doubt, and helplessness. Love in its fullness is teaching me just how much story has been conditioned and just how much balm is needed to rub out the tension of these stories.
We walk our dog through High Park nearly every morning. The yellow and orange leaves cushion our float. I ask Charlie to sit before removing his leash. He looks up at us begging for permission to bolt. I swoosh my hand forward and he darts off before my wave swipes the sky. Charlie then leads us to a retriever named Miracle.
I gear up to confess my relationship anxiety to my partner. “I have spent so many years on my own program that ….” I trail on as my partner bends down. A flash of frustration blasts the front of my forehand at the thought of not being listened to. I crane my neck to find them kneeling to reel Charlie in and tie my shoe. “You can carry on” they said.
“I have spent so many years on my own program that it is taking more effort than I imagined to acclimate to family again,” I gulped both anticipating their response and stunned by the octopus-like nature of their care. Following up with several assurances we clasp hands my heart once again broken open by the everlasting miracle of love. I may not tolerate it today but have every intention to learn to tolerate it tomorrow. <3
oh kamra, that ending paragraph. “the octopus-like nature of their care” 🐙 & your words like languid limbs reaching and caressing all the aches i hold & share. how sweet it is to witness all you offer
This is so beautiful and warmed my heart, it's one of those sharings that remind me that love wins and is truth no matter how much our fears try to get in the way ❤️