sometimes, what i have at the end of a day is my dog, a full bladder, and the security of comfort. i am available to care for people up until the moment before i experience neglect. slipping into areas of neglect sever my access to patience. i refuse to live a life of neglect. i will not not get my needs met on any behalf. if you need me, know that i need me more and if you need something from me, make sure that something is not in direct conflict with the somethings i need from me. we all need care to be alive though it need not come at the expense of another. at the same time, i do not trust not being in right relationship with taking what is needed.
it was recommended to make my newsletter more involved, and i am grappling with what that actually means—the way i write here is generous, intimate, creative, and thought provoking. what else could be desired? but it is also important to try on new wheels. i learned a valuable lesson yesterday about not internalizing energies experienced by bodies not my own. i also learned the lesson of asking for clarification before rooting intent. the most beautiful thing about it is, had i not made the mistakes, i would not have learned the lessons so while i feel greased in embarrassment, i have also arrived at ways i want to be, which is worth feeling a little silly and sloppy for.
since my first ketamine infusion last friday, i have not been able to keep my mouth shut meaning, my feeling sensation to vocalization pipeline is the strongest it has ever been. the ting in my heart is not only permission to open my mouth but also the words needed to express how i am feeling—it gets easier and easier each time—when a feeling comes up, i am a bubble eager to burst—then the words spill and i am free again. for example, i feel slimy when white people co-opt liberation and abolition work. this feeling no longer lingers in my body because i have given it space to exist. i love this game. and other people’s response is none of my business though i will say i do feel tickled being surrounded by people who respond with grace, gratitude, and accountability.
care manual covers all of this though i feel more deeply connected to the work through my embodied experience. my loneliness never leaves—it just gets soothed often because i have miraculous love in my life. i did feel lonely yesterday evening seeing so many beautiful people in the world yet none to hold close in late hours. all of it is valid, and everything is real when it is—i feel most alive when i am clear on what is mine, what is not, all parties involved are in agreement on the agreements, and there is space for change void of demonization and blame. i have released myself from dynamics that do not give me this, and will not return, protecting the sanctity of what it means to be me—by any means necessary.