i was down bad y’all. i received an email that read, “i know we’re not talking right now, but no one is at my house if you need time there.” it was early dusk when the online message came through—my eyes darted left then right deciding if i’d accept the invitation.
my body caterwauled—go—so i packed a couple bags, collected my dog, and jumped in my truck. a humble arrival, i unlock the door to wafts of fresh pine and LED light fixtures illuminated. my physiology celebrated relaxing my jaw and shoulders. far few things feel better than being somewhere capable of holding me entirely—energetic body and all.
enough space to pace as regulation, i began my circular journey about the kitchen, dining room, and living room—unwinding coils of life’s unprocessed magnetic fields. it. felt. so. good. i began to notice a character in my step—a jolly fellow—happy for no reason kind of guy. i sat. i looked. i drank air inward and began to cry.
something landed over me—the will—no—the experience of existential factory reset. i felt fresh like construction nailed by neural pathways making a snack out of my automatic negative thoughts. the old me aware of the new me’s presence felt relief in practice, action, and responsibility. watching myself change is a mind bending event.
the following day, i gathered like mushrooms, the courage to horizontalize naked downstream in an attempt to lock in the program update. flush spring water chrysalis my body—no longer clambering to be present—just effortlessly here. i then head rockside for deeper reflection. like a mantra, i tell kamra i love them and to my surprise, kamra tells me their devotion tastes better than anyone else’s they’ve munched on.
the next quantum leap happened just days before i found myself leaving rurality for the city. it felt like gently falling through a loophole and clicking into place like a seatbelt. i muttered affirming words to myself, letting this iteration of me get cozy in its warm, gushy unfamiliar flesh. these movements began around a Capricorn full moon ritual using scent to have home find me, and lasted beyond initiation into Bayo Akomolafe’s We Will Dance With Mountains and The Modern Consort. these inductions no accident—just casual cosmic engine revving—pistons firing and combustion combusting.
these snap-like shifts are getting closer and closer together like my orgasm contractions only in this scenario, i remember to breathe and unclench my ass cheeks between waves—solar panel lights hanging on the descending tracts of my brain so i can stumble gracefully.
the truth is getting truer—the mind—smoother and the body—looser. i find myself singing early in the morning, shaking my hips soon after, devoted to connection for many hours, willing to get lost and drip sweat—flying for aliveness and death. i’m so happy to have lived long enough for life to get better.
wide scopes of reflection this leo new moon sets aflame cobwebs indicating phantom limbs—dead things hanging with nowhere to go—but as their departure gate turns forward, i send deadness on their way as a time jump to meet myself exactly where i am—integrated, cultivated, and light-years full of awe over the miracle of simply being here now.
what is your life’s awareness saying to you?
are you listening?
This...this is WRITING 😭
Thank you for sharing.
Right now my life’s awareness is saying: build diligently & trust that if the structure needs to crumble, you will land safely.
STUNNING. I’m captivated by how visceral everything is in your words. I am listening to my life and it is telling me to reach deep within myself and ask: what *is* your integrity?