i have had conflict with every single person in my primary pod, which means we are doing a great job at loving each other. most of my saturn return has been transmuting the collective interpersonal turmoil wound. when i am able to zoom out in conflict, reflect with my beloveds, and count on us to respond with compassion, openness, and accountability, i actually begin to experience conflict as a healing gesture — i have a hard boundary around people responding negatively to my feelings and that is because i know now more than ever, i need other examples of how to respond to help restore what was lost in the crossfire of nuclear family disarray
i am coming to terms with the fact that i may not ever know the extent of the harm i have caused and will cause in relationships, but what i do know is that when it comes up, the dysregulation from that harm is so palpable, it ricochets through communication, and it is the universe’s way of allowing me to be in touch with the harm while remaining committed to my own regulation — i love this level of honesty, thank u holy universe
gurgling grief was a cry for help, and the cry helped — this meditation and this poem brought me stillness and peace
an adaptation of Precious’ poems to the sky, I want to write poems to my land — as I form this relationship, as love offerings, as the bugs bruise my skin and the hemlocks tickle my nose — a poem called, make or take:
makeshift to shapeshift, pelvis down, eyes wide, positioned like a lilac, wild seed, hungry fed, an open mouth raw hands and hike engulfed dog barked beyond bend, red flags neighbors’ land, small feast hard boundaries not named and then named and then forgotten then resurrected, racist communication reliance on textual knowledge but harriet tubman read the stars, i follow — deep sea hear me, sun came out and we ran outward to play beyond the self, prepared for a splay — broken into abstraction, burn a fire just to feel, burn a fire just to heal, burn a fire — real braiding sweetgrass, timeless generosity that lasts and an edit, edit that edits — now i sculpt, pull, pick, and plow — i laugh brown, crisp on the skin — the first farmer to make the cover of vogue, slippery salvation stuffed tight oozing juice and a future movement
i cried on my kitchen floor today over closing this deal, it is the most important thing that has happened to me since being born — this is the first time in my adult life that i do not feel lonely, i feel so clear in my values and responses, and feel protected in that other peoples’ dysregulation does not have to become my own, and that is a real kind of love
xoxo, care ecologist