the end of summer, i chose to go down the [what are my relationships doing?] rabbit hole. when i looked at my relationships, i noticed needing to be needed litter—needed in really big ways in a few of my primary relationships—now unraveling the story i tell myself, this dynamic showed up in what i reflected. biofeedback, i know the very thing i need most, connection and belonging, produces extensive exhaustion—but not just any ol’ connection and belonging—the philosophical kind—the i can provoke laughter and tears in the same breadth beholding. i met someone last weekend who listened to verdant banks before our encounter. “you are so specific” rolled off that person’s tongue and an existential relief ping went off in me.
it took 6 hours of Brené Brown videos, a decent amount of meditation, moving grief mountains, daily naps, a couple ketamine infusion treatments, pushing myself beyond my apartment door, and a lifetime worth of tears to get here. i am having that—in flow—feeling and it is my favorite wave to ride. breaking through the 4th wall of relational desperation gives me deeper access to choice, a more developed sense of patience, kindness, and silliness through fumbling, and a loving how to get to me detour. curating access to me quells relational guilt, sharpens my blame detector1, and softens resentment.
being a writer, i see my thinking patterns in real time—subconscious disposition information—storyline threads graspable. my inner voice says it does not want me to overextend myself for you—the condition for how i decide to be in the world. i am listening. i am observing. i am paying attention to our energy exchange, and engaging accordingly. <3 this titan tarot reading got me all the way together—preserve and prioritize you and watch god work.
identify impulse to blame before acting on it